We see our primary care physician regularly for a physical checkup. We take our car in for
regular check-ups. But have you ever thought that we may also occasionally need a relationship
check-up? Do you ever wonder why some relationships go the distance while others fall apart
very quickly? One answer may lie in how couples treat each other on a day-to-day basis.
Following are some common sense ways you can make your partner feel appreciated and do a
check-up of your relationship in the process.
- Treat your spouse or partner as you would your best friend or best client. It’s unfortunate
that at times we treat our closest and dearest relationships in rude or even cruel ways. - Think of ways you can do the unexpected and thoughtful. Remember how you acted when
you were first dating and wanted to impress your loved one. Plan and carry out something
spontaneous on occasion. - Pay close attention to your appearance. Be aware of your personal hygiene and dress
nicely. Make an effort to get and stay in shape. - Look for ways to compliment your spouse or partner. We all enjoy genuine compliments to
brighten our day. Look for those qualities that first attracted you to your loved one. - Express your thoughts and feelings carefully. While it’s important to be emotionally open
and intimate with our significant other, being in a relationship doesn’t give anyone permission
to “let it all hang out” in a hurtful manner.
- Eye contact is important in communication. When you ask your loved one a question, make
eye contact and listen to the answer. - Learn to let go of the small stuff in disagreements. While serious conflict needs to be
addressed, many couples argue over issues of little consequence. It can be helpful to ask
yourself when you’re annoyed with your loved one, “will this matter next week?” - In dealing with conflict situations, a helpful strategy is to use an “I” statement rather than a
“You” statement. For example, instead of commenting, “You’re selfish for buying a new
outfit on our tight budget,” state it as “I’m upset that you spent money on a new outfit when
we’re on a tight budget.” Owning your emotions and focusing on the behavior causing
conflict can reduce your loved one’s defensiveness and allow the two of you to work
through to a resolution of the problem. - Spend regular time together alone. It’s difficult to remain emotionally close without making
an effort to spend quality time together. A danger in long-term relationships is feeling as if
you’re living “parallel lives” under the same roof. Relationships don’t run on “automatic
pilot”. They take effort and work. - Acknowledge each other’s comings and goings. Hug when you say hello and goodbye.
Regular physical touch conveys caring and is an expression of love. - Tell each other “I love you” every day. When you say the words, look each other in the
eyes. All too frequently, we throw our “love ‘ya” out as we’re headed out the door. It’s
important to slow down and spend a minute or two focusing on each other at the beginning
and end of the day. - When you get home in the evening, take a 20 or 30 minute breather. Instead of immediately
starting dinner or going to work in the garage, relax with the newspaper or stretch out on the
couch for a bit. Research has shown that taking “pauses” when shifting from one task
category to another helps to reduce the stress during the day. - It’s important to respect each other’s private space. Each person needs an area that is “just
mine” for occasional solitude and reflection. - During the evening meal, avoid the temptation to watch television, read the paper or sort
through the mail. Make it a household rule that dinner-time won’t be interrupted by the
telephone. Use dinner-time as a way to connect with your spouse or partner. - Whenever making plans that affect how each of you will be spending time, check with your
spouse or partner first to make sure it’s convenient. - Research has found that couples whose marriages or relationships last the longest have
learned to separate from their families of origin (their own parents and siblings) and have
appropriate, healthy boundaries. This means that they have appropriate contact with their
families, without permitting their families to interfere with their lifestyle and decision-making.
Relationship Resources:
Relating successfully to another person requires developing a set of skills we each can learn.
Best-selling author Michael Webb has put together 1,000 of the most important questions couples
should ask each other in order to deepen their relationship. These questions are designed to help
you really get to know the thoughts, feelings and desires of your loved one or spouse. To learn
more about 1000 Questions for Couples go to:
http://tinyurl.com/3adrp4.
Note: This article is for informational purposes only. If you are in need of mental health services, please contact a provider in your community. © 2008 Family Recovery Resources All Rights Reserved |
Think of ways you can do the unexpected and thoughtful for your loved one ---- remember how you were when you were first dating. |
Learn to let go of the small stuff in disagreements. Many couples argue over issues of little consequence. |
Michael Webb has compiled research on the habits of the top 1% of marriages in his book
50 Secrets of Blissful Relationships. A well-respected author who has appeared on Oprah,
the Today Show, the 700 Club, NBC News and Fox News, he sheds light on behaviors that
contribute to enhancing the joy in any relationship.
Check out his e-book at: http://tinyurl.com/3clxka
50 Secrets of Blissful Relationships. A well-respected author who has appeared on Oprah,
the Today Show, the 700 Club, NBC News and Fox News, he sheds light on behaviors that
contribute to enhancing the joy in any relationship.
Check out his e-book at: http://tinyurl.com/3clxka
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