Many parents wonder what ever happened to that cute, affectionate, obedient child they knew
before he or she suddenly hit adolescence.  The teen years can be a confusing time for both
parents and kids. Hormonal changes, the uncertainties of moving from middle school to high
school, dealing with peer relationships, being confronted with drugs and alcohol ---all these can
be pretty overwhelming for your child.  Despite the growing influence of peers during
adolescence, parental influence is still extremely important in your teen's life.  Your child needs
to have clear, concise guidelines to help steer him or her through these turbulent years.  Below
are some guidelines that may help you in manuevering that sometimes-rocky course with your
teen:

  • Tell your teen you love him or her every day.  Find creative ways to get your message    
across.  Most likely  when your child was younger, he or she would easily and
comfortably accept your hugs and kisses.  As she or he gets older, expect the physical
pulling away; it’s normal.  However, this doesn’t mean that your teen doesn’t need to
hear the “I love you” often.  Leave notes in his or her backpack or on his or her
dresser or pillow.  Even if she or rolls the eyes at you when you say it, know that the  
message is getting through.
  • If at all possible, have regular mealtimes together with your family.  This is a time for you
    to check in with your teen, to talk about the day’s events and to listen to what is going on
    in your child’s life.  According to the Office of National Drug Control Policy, studies
    show that kids whose families eat together at least five times a week are less likely to be
    involved in drugs or alcohol.

  • Establish a regular weekly “get together time” with your teen for doing something  
    special.  It can be something as simple as going out for breakfast together on a  Saturday
    morning.  Demonstrate to your teen that this is an important time to you and  make it a
    priority in your schedule.

  • Set a regular curfew for your teen and enforce it strictly.  However, be prepared to be
    flexible for special occasions such as proms or out-of-town trips.  Whenever  regular
    curfews are broken, it’s important to give appropriate and immediate consequences.

  • Create clear, concise rules for your teen and discuss ahead of time the consequences for
    breaking the rules.  Having your teen agree to the rules gives him or her a sense of
    responsibility for the behavior. If she or he breaks a rule, it’s important not to make
    empty threats, then let your teen off the hook without giving the consequences.  Just
    importantly, don’t impose harsh punishment that far exceeds the rule violation.

  • The most vulnerable time for teens to get into trouble is between 3:00 p.m. and 6:00 p.m.
    when no one is at home.  Ideally, if your child is with friends during this time, they should
    have adult supervision.  However, if that isn’t possible, have your teen check in regularly,
    with all the vital information as to where she or he is staying and what he or she is doing.

  • Have your child check in with you regularly when he or she is not at home.  Now with the
    use of cell phones, it’s easy for him or her to stay in contact with you.  Set clear
    guidelines for use of the cell phone (particularly for text messaging).

  • Get to know your teen’s friends and their parents.  Become familiar with your child’s
    activities.  Don’t be afraid to ask where your kids are going, with whom and what they
    will be doing.  

  • Keep the lines of communication open with your teen.  Try not to overreact to comments
    your teen may make that challenge you or shock you.  Realize that these times can be a
    valuable opportunity for you and your child to have honest  discussions about a variety of
    important issues.  These may be openings for you to learn about your child’s growing
    interests, values and beliefs.

  • Make it a habit to collect the following information from your teen before he or she leaves
    the house with friends or to be with friends:           
a) where are you going?  
b) who are you going with (you need to have your child’s friends’ names and phone
   numbers)
c) how are you getting there?
d) what will you be doing?  
e) where else will you be going?
f) what time will you  be home?  
(This is also a good time to reinforce the curfew hour as your child is leaving the
house…and, yes, your teen will think you’re being a nag!)

  • Whenever your teen is going to a party, call the parents who are hosting and chaperoning
    the party. Make sure they will be supervising the party the whole evening.  Discuss with
    your teen ahead of time what he or she will do if there are drugs or alcohol at a party.  Let
    your teen know you will pick him or her up, no questions asked, if he or she ever feels
    uncomfortable at a party.

  • Disciplining your teen requires a fine balance. Parents who are too permissive give their
    teen the message that any type of behavior is acceptable.  Kids need guidance and
    structure, particularly in adolescence.  They need to know that their parents will guide
    them back should they wander too far into dangerous behavior. Conversely, an overly
    strict, critical parenting style often results in either a child who is afraid of exploring the
    world and making mistakes or one who rebels against the restrictive environment.

  • Generally, you want to respect your teen’s privacy as much as possible.  However, if  you
    suspect that he or she is involved in risk-taking behaviors such as under-age drinking,
    unprotected sex or other behaviors, you need to provide appropriate intervention for her
    or his safety and guidance.  Remember, the "higher good" is keeping your child safe
    versus respecting her or his privacy.
Note:  This article is for informational purposes only.  If you are in need of mental services,
please contact a provider in your community.

                                                  ©  2008 Family Recovery Resources  
                                                              All Rights Reserved   

Despite the growing            
   influence of peers
during adolescence,            
 parental influence is
still extremely
important in your
teen's life.

Make it a habit to ask
where your teen is
going, with whom
and what she/he
will be doing before
your teen leaves
the house.
If you'd like more tips on parenting your teen, check out this fact-filled e-book entitled
"Teenage Parenting 101".  Dealing with topics such as the teen "identity crisis", peer pressure,
sibling rivalry and other relevant topics, you're certain to find help on a number of concerns.  
Go to: http://tinyurl.com/3cv5xn
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