Discovering that your spouse or partner has been unfaithful is a devastating blow. The
emotional aftershock typically is one of hurt, anger, betrayal and jealousy. Affairs occur
in relationships that are seemingly healthy as well as in ones that are troubled. There are
many reasons why someone is unfaithful. Many of those reasons have nothing to do
with whether or not the cheater loves his or her spouse or partner.
It is believed that approximately 60% of American men and 40% of American women
will have an affair at some point in their marriage. The incidence of infidelity is even
higher among committed, unmarried couples. However, the good news is that most
marriages do survive infidelity and many marriages become stronger if the couple will
commit to strengthening their relationship and addressing the source of the problem
leading to the infidelity.
The incidence of infidelity has increased over the past twenty-five years in part due to
more women entering the work force. Men and women now have more opportunities
for contact in the work place, at conferences and on business trips. There is also the
danger of emotional affairs in the work place. Emotional affairs frequently begin as
innocent platonic friendships. However, emotional affairs move into relationships that
have an element of sexual tension and deeper emotional intimacy. More than half of
emotional affairs eventually become sexual affairs as well.
Reasons Why Individuals Are Unfaithful:
There are a variety of reasons why individuals are unfaithful to their spouses or
partners. These include:
It’s unknown to what extent adultery is a multi-generational problem. However, many
couples who enter marital therapy after an affair divulge their parents’ and even
grandparents’ histories of infidelity. This leads to the question of whether adultery is a
learned behavioral pattern that is acted out into the next generation.
Emotional Reaction To Infidelity:
The initial emotional response for many individuals to learning their spouse or partner
has been unfaithful is one of either anger/rage or denial. Soon thereafter, a myriad of
other emotions begin to rise to the surface as well. These may include: feelings of
betrayal, fear, jealousy, shame, paranoia, uncertainty, guilt, loss of hope and
vengefulness. A common response of the injured spouse is the belief that “something
must be wrong with me” or “the sex is better with her or him.”
Other common reactions to learning of infidelity are the loss of trust in the spouse,
obsessively thinking about the details of the affairs and looking for further signs of
betrayal. Depression can be a common reaction of both the injured spouse and the
unfaithful spouse once the affair has been disclosed.
After the disclosure of the affair, the couple needs to address whether there is a desire
to rebuild their marriage or whether they wish to work toward separating in a
constructive manner. It’s not unusual for one or both of the couple to initially be
ambivalent about continuing in the marriage. Marriage counseling to work through these
issues is strongly recommended. Therapy can assist in the process of healing and
recovery for both individuals, regardless of the outcome of the marriage.
There are a variety of reasons why individuals are unfaithful to their spouses or
partners. These include:
- Anxiety arising from some type of family transition – These transitions can be
many, including job losses or promotions, children leaving home, the birth of a
child or grandchild, or the death of a loved one. While the mid-life crisis is almost
stereotypical, it is probably the most common transitional period. - The spouse’s or partner's need for attention outside the marriage or relationship
- Unfulfilled expectations of the marriage or relationship
- Boredom about the marriage or relationship
- Lack of sexual desire from one or both of the couple
- Fear of emotional intimacy in the relationship
- Multiple affairs that may indicate a sexual addiction – In these instances, the
individual is driven by the need for excitement and passion provided in a new
relationship.
It’s unknown to what extent adultery is a multi-generational problem. However, many
couples who enter marital therapy after an affair divulge their parents’ and even
grandparents’ histories of infidelity. This leads to the question of whether adultery is a
learned behavioral pattern that is acted out into the next generation.
Emotional Reaction To Infidelity:
The initial emotional response for many individuals to learning their spouse or partner
has been unfaithful is one of either anger/rage or denial. Soon thereafter, a myriad of
other emotions begin to rise to the surface as well. These may include: feelings of
betrayal, fear, jealousy, shame, paranoia, uncertainty, guilt, loss of hope and
vengefulness. A common response of the injured spouse is the belief that “something
must be wrong with me” or “the sex is better with her or him.”
Other common reactions to learning of infidelity are the loss of trust in the spouse,
obsessively thinking about the details of the affairs and looking for further signs of
betrayal. Depression can be a common reaction of both the injured spouse and the
unfaithful spouse once the affair has been disclosed.
After the disclosure of the affair, the couple needs to address whether there is a desire
to rebuild their marriage or whether they wish to work toward separating in a
constructive manner. It’s not unusual for one or both of the couple to initially be
ambivalent about continuing in the marriage. Marriage counseling to work through these
issues is strongly recommended. Therapy can assist in the process of healing and
recovery for both individuals, regardless of the outcome of the marriage.
| Note: This article is for informational purposes only. If you are in need of mental health services, please contact a provider in your community. © 2010 Family Recovery Resources All Rights Reserved |
Approximately 60% of American men and 40% of American women will have an affair at some point in their marriage. |
A common reason given for infidelity is anxiety arising from some type of family transition. |
Listed below are two excellent resources on the topic of infidelity.
How to Survive an Affair: A Step-by-Step System for Saving Your
Relationship after It's Been Shattered by an Affair
by Dr.Frank Gunzburg
Dr. Gunzburg teaches a system for restoring a marriage that has been
ripped apart by an affair. He outlines the three specific phases for restoring
the trust back into a torn relationship. To learn more about his program,
click on:http://tinyurl.com/2x3v5p
How to Survive an Affair: A Step-by-Step System for Saving Your
Relationship after It's Been Shattered by an Affair
by Dr.Frank Gunzburg
Dr. Gunzburg teaches a system for restoring a marriage that has been
ripped apart by an affair. He outlines the three specific phases for restoring
the trust back into a torn relationship. To learn more about his program,
click on:http://tinyurl.com/2x3v5p
The Anatomy of an Affair by Dr. Reena Sommer
Dr. Sommer provide definitive information on why men and women engage in
extramarital affairs. She also explains how to effectively cope with the trauma of
infidelity. To check out her e-book, click on: http://tinyurl.com/2fn6um
Dr. Sommer provide definitive information on why men and women engage in
extramarital affairs. She also explains how to effectively cope with the trauma of
infidelity. To check out her e-book, click on: http://tinyurl.com/2fn6um
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